I can’t believe I haven’t written to all of you in nearly a year. My URL has lapsed & been purchased (KatGalaxyBlog.com), and I’m now writing in a brand new place at KatGalaxy.com. Welcome, nonetheless. What a year it’s been. Do you agree?
I wish I could come here a year after I last wrote and say that things are amazing; that I conquered all of the “demons” of my past and that I’m a complete, plastic, bubbling success story. The truth is, some things are better, some things are worse. And now, at 28 years old, I know that there is no thing as “true success.” There is no thing such as “getting there.” There is no perfect position, and all we have are our stories.
Since last year, I started my own company and now write and market via social media for a living. It’s been a year of business growth, times of too much work; you could call my first year a wonderful year. I gave myself a raise, I learned a lot about myself and being a small business owner, and I also discovered that although I’m good at the “marketing” side, I will always, truly, be a content creator at heart. I’ve learned about nightmare clients, I’ve explored boundaries, and I’ve grown my voice, just a little bit.
I went and saw the Rocky Mountains this summer (breathtaking for a Florida girl at sea level), hit the beach and springs, and made great strides in therapy. It was another year with my loving husband and cats. A chance to live. I accept and invite the positive first.
This year has also been a disappointment or bearer of fear in some ways. Besides the fact that Donald Trump was elected (heh, I joke…that’s for another day), there has been real pain. In therapy work there is suspicion that I may have been molested as a very young child. This is something I always thought happened; even though we don’t know who it was, the possibility of me being taken advantage of in an additional way to the emotional abuse and family separation I’ve experienced is very real to me and always has been. My grandmother’s Alzheimer’s symptoms have escalated swiftly and she’s been in the hospital since before Thanksgiving, turning our family upside down and causing more rifts than there were before.
I’m angrier at my mother than I ever have been before. I’m more shocked and saddened by life than I ever have been before. I feel more alone and taken advantage of business wise and personally than I ever have been before. And I have to jump out of this. I have to change. I have to heal my inner child. I know the culprit now.
It’s taken from this time last year until now, but I do now realize that all that I truly have is me. I never had a solid family foundation, save my grandmother, who is now slowly but surely deteriorating before my eyes. My husband has suffered by my suffering and is tired. Our anniversary is December 19. I want to go to St. Augustine this year for our yearly trip and have everything start to heal. I need to heal. The child inside me needs to be heard finally. I have to stop believing what other people think about me, stop doing what other people want for me, and take my power back. It’s scary.
As the year has opened new wounds and made some others deeper, it has also opened my eyes. This is a crossroads. I am nearly 30 years old, unsure of myself, still more angry and saddened by life than ever. I’ve read the texts of Buddha and Jesus. I’ve attended therapy for 14 years. I get the “theory.” It is more difficult than it looks to put it into practice. To believe you are worth it. That you are worthy of change.
I am not on medication right now. I haven’t been on medication since Spring. It has been going well. I had a ton of side effects and even a growth that was discovered on my thyroid, suspected to be possibly due to treatment. I’m working my way through my issues without any meds whatsoever, which has been difficult yet liberating. Caution: I do not want you to ever read anything about my life and what I do and think it’s good for you, too. It took me years to have enough courage to ask, to work side by side with my psychiatrist and therapist and PCP to determine what was best, and make the leap. And there are days where it is so difficult to deal with the pain I’ve been trying to mask for years. Take your meds, complain about your parents, watch TV, read, drink, smoke, hang with friends…sooner or later it will go away.
Nothing will take the pain away unless I deal with it. My therapist, who I’ve been seeing since just after I stopped writing last year, told me that maybe I’d like to start a blog. I chuckled. I was the Kat on PsychCentral.com, remember? She doesn’t know that. And I don’t necessarily want her to look me up. I don’t know what I want anymore, really. But I need to find out.
I need to get back to who I truly am. I need to heal the child within. I need to find out what matters to me and what doesn’t. I hope that you will join me. And thanks for heading back.
How have you been?
-KAT
Kat Galaxy 